Steven Wright 07

Ever notice how irons have a setting for *permanent* press? I don't get it...

I have a microwave fireplace in my house . . . The other night I laid down in front of the fire for the evening in two minutes.

My VCR flashes 01:35, 01:35, 01:35, . . .

I have the oldest typewriter in the world. It types in pencil.

I couldn't find the remote control to the remote control.

I invented the cordless extension cord.

Under my bed I have shoe box full of telephone rings. Whenever I get lonely I open it up just a bit and I get a call. One time I dropped the box all over the floor and the phone wouldn't stop ringing, so I had it disconnected. I bought a new phone though. I didn't have much money so I had to buy an irregular phone--it had no number 5 on it.

I saw a close friend of mine the other day... He said, "Steven, why haven't you called me?" I said, "I can't call everyone I want. My new phone has no five on it." He said, "How long have you had it?" I said, "I don't know . . . My calendar has no sevens on it."

I plugged my phone in where the blender used to be. I called someone. They went "Aaaaahhhh..."