Burger joint conversations nationwide

M.I.T.: "I had a nervous breakdown this weekend." "Have some fries." Caltech: "I had three nervous breakdowns this weekend." "Have some fries." Yale: "I got mugged on the way to class today." "Have some fries." Brown: "I got a nose ring this weekend, Professor Smith." "Cool! Me too! Have some fries." Swarthmore: "I got a B." "Anywhere else it would have been an A. Have some fries." Princeton: "My father took away my Porsche this weekend." "Poor dear. Have some Escargot." Harvard: "Did you do anything this weekend?" "Nope. Have some fries." Williams: "Don't I know you?" "Of course you do, silly. Have some fries." Cornell: "I killed my lab partner this weekend." "Bummer. Have some fries." Columbia: "I wish I could be eating these fries at a better school." "Me too. Let's go get shot." Penn: "I wish I could be eating these fries at a better school." "Me too. Let's transfer to Columbia." Stanford: "Dude, I have so much work this weekend." "Like, chill out, dude. Have some, like, fries." Dartmouth: "Oh man, I got so trashed this weekend." "Have some beer." Tufts: "I wish I were Ivy League." "Here, drink the fry grease."