Writing home with ease

Dear Parent(s), Date:

I am too busy to write, but this checklist covers most of the topics of interest to both of us.

Please send me:

__ Money (Cash) Amount: _____
__ Food (Cookies) Dozens: _____
__ Clean clothes!

Relationships:

__ What?
__ I am in love with myself.
__ I am in love!
__ I am engaged.
__ I got married last weekend.

My Roommate:

__ Worships the ground I walk on.
__ Gave me a black eye.
__ Committed suicide and left a note blaming me.
__ Has fleas.

My Professors are:

__ Sadistic water walkers.
__ Mental institution escapees.
__ Brain dead nerds.
__ Super oxygen thieves.

Latest News:

__ I wrecked the car.
__ I can't use your credit card because I exceeded the credit limit.
__ You are going to have a grandchild.
__ False alarm--you aren't going to have a grandchild.

Food:

__ Is great!
__ Even makes me appreciate your cooking
__ I have had pizzas and soda for the last twenty meals.
__ I stopped eating out of fear.

Grades:

__ I am making all A's
__ I am not being properly challenged
__ I will be home after this semester
__ I never knew they had a letter grade below F

I study:

__ Night and day
__ All the time
__ Eighty hours a week
__ Only on Sunday afternoon
__ None of the above

Daily Devotions:

__ I read my Bible everyday
__ I can't read
__ Someone stole my Bible while I was at the local bar

On my last visit home, I left:

__ My glasses.
__ My paper that was due yesterday.
__ The clothes you washed for me.
__ The check to cover my delinquent tuition payment.
__ Other ____________________________.

Please send above items by FedEx (Priority One) or UPS (Blue).

Laundry:

__ My white underwear is now _______.
__ I am saving money by not using detergent.
__ Don't worry, I washed my clothes last semester.
__ I hang my clothes out the window when it rains.

My room:

__ Can pass your "white glove" test.
__ Is only ___% full.
__ Could not be located last Saturday night.
__ Was rented by the ROTC for hazardous terrain training.

Parties:

__ I don't inhale
__ I only go to meet people
__ Haven't been to one since this morning.

Hope you:

__ Miss me
__ Can live without me
__ Are not overdoing the celebration of my absence

Salutation:

__ Your Daughter,
__ Your Son,
__ Yours,